FINDING THE ONE WHO “COMPLETES” YOU! Finding Purpose & Financial IQ – Part 5

by Rebecca Witherspoon, November 9, 2021

May I take you on a journey? I promise it will be worth it if you stay with me to the end. You’ll have to be brave on this journey. It’s not for the faint of heart. It’s a journey fraught with failures, pain, terror, shame, and guilt, but also a relentless pursuit of something better, perseverance, never giving up, self discovery, epiphanies, love, and transformation. It’s ultimately a journey of learning how to take control of your life, experiencing transformation, and discovering the purpose of your life. Do I have your permission to take you on this journey? Great! Then let’s begin. 

Most people never recognize pivotal moments in their life, moments when the world stops for a breath of a moment and everything changes for them. One of mine occurred on April 12, 2000 at 2:30 pm. My life stopped at that exact moment for a nanosecond and my world forever changed. My family changed. My perspective changed. My faith shifted. My career made an abrupt change in direction. My friends changed. My geography changed. My future changed. My … life … completely … changed.

“You are hereby sentenced to two years prison with time already served credited toward that time; the possibility of parole in one year for good behavior; four years probation upon release; and lifetime sex offender registry.” That ruling was handed down in one courtroom. At the same time in the courtroom next door, the dissolution of my eight and a half year marriage from hell to a violent, emotionally abusive, borderline schizophrenic, pedophile was made final with the pounding of the gavel from the judge’s bench. The culmination of nearly a decade of a life lived in almost constant terror of not knowing from one day to the next if my children and I would be alive the next day came once and for all to a screeching halt. No more would I have to push aside my constant fear that my children would be harmed. No more would I have to come home to find the police and paramedics carting my then spouse away to a mental hospital to deal with his dangerous delusions. No more would I have my skin crawl at the very thought of my terrifying spouse touching me. No more would I have to put on a public mask that our life was perfect because we were in a very public Christian music ministry. No more …! 

At the time I had no idea just how pivotal a moment it was in my life. It would take several years of emotional struggle, intense personal development, agony of not knowing if the trauma perpetrated on my children would destroy them, and allowing myself time to heal to fully reveal the true impact of that moment on my life. You see up until that very moment, I had lived a life based on the myth that we must find the one who completes us in order to live a fulfilled life, and because I had no faith in myself I had unknowingly allowed my life to be a life of misery. The biggest lesson I learned by that experience was that mastering healthy relationships with others begins first with mastering a healthy relationship with myself! 

This episode is all about mastering the most important relationship you will ever have, the relationship you have with yourself! 

I’ve read many great books, seen hundreds of riveting and inspiring movies, and followed the lives of countless individuals who were ordinary people who took their greatest life obstacle and transformed it into their greatest asset to lead extraordinary lives of impact despite not having the “right” credentials. Stories like Elizabeth Gilbert who wrote the book Eat, Pray, Love, or Chris Gardner (played by Will Smith) in the movie “The Pursuit of Happyness”, or Gianna Jessen who was a baby that survived a botched abortion, or Nicholas James Vujicic born with no legs or arms. That I was fascinated by these (and many other) stories doesn’t begin to describe the profound impact they had on my thinking. I am in awe of the incredible courage of these people overcoming incredible obstacles to utterly change the very fabric of their lives and to positively impact thousands and millions of people around the world. But, despite the deep emotional impact these stories had on me, my life seemed to just continue down a depressing path to nowhere. Regardless of the many examples staring me in the face of the possibility for transformation, I had no belief that it was actually possible in my life. I had no faith in myself ever succeeding. In my own mind, there was no way out for me. I was stuck! In my own mind I needed to just suck it up and accept things the way they were and quit dreaming about what was never going to happen anyway. In my own mind, who was I to think that my story was even worth telling? Can you relate? Have you ever been there in your own mind? I know I can’t be the only one who has ever felt that way.

Hopeless, utterly hopeless! But then when I wasn’t even looking for it, a spark. A glimmer. The very beginning of a crack appeared in the door that had always held me at bay. A mustard seed of hope fell on the soil of my mind and heart and began to burrow. That seed was planted by one couple to whom I will forever be grateful. That seed was planted at an absolute low in my life. A time when all hope seemed to be utterly gone, but for some reason I kept telling myself that even though nothing else had ever helped, and this probably wouldn’t either, what the hell, it couldn’t hurt. Eric Hoffer said in his book The True Believer that “[f]ear of the future causes us to lean against and cling to the present [even a present filled with great pain], while faith in the future renders us perceptive [and open] to change.” Change of any kind is built on hope, and it’s essential that our future is based in hope, because without hope there can be no faith which is necessary to move forward and change. What started as a mustard seed of hope with regard to losing some weight, ballooned into transformation of my mind, my emotions, my relationships, my finances, my time, and my health (that one is an on-going transformation I work on daily). 

Singer Randy Travis sang the following words years ago:

Last night I dug your picture out from our old dresser drawer. I sat it on the table and I talked to it till four. I read some old love letters right up to the break of dawn. Yeah, I’ve been sittin’ alone, diggin’ up bones. … I’m diggin’ up bones, I’m digging up bones! Exhuming things that’s better left alone. And I’m resurrecting mem’ries of a love that’s dead and gone. Yeah, tonight I’m sittin’ alone, diggin’ up bones.

—“Diggin’ Up Bones” Song by Randy Travis

It’s said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. I’ve also heard insanity described as going around and around the same mountain expecting to reach a different destination. Still others have described insanity as a merry-go-round with no exit. For a period of time in my own life, I can truly say I was certifiably insane. Not the bat-shit crazy kind of insane, but rather the I’m-too-afraid-to-change-but-I-want-things-different kind of insane. Through the years I would sit and listen to that song while brooding and rehashing the past, as though I could somehow change the outcome of past events. I was stuck squarely in the past. I was unable to truly live in the present or to look forward because of constantly looking backward. I was certifiably “insane”!

When I began to recognize that I was repeatedly going around the same mountain expecting a different outcome, I was fortunate to come across a series of books which impacted my thinking and ultimately led me down a path to healing, transformation, and finally coming to a place where I thoroughly enjoy my own company. The first book was Battlefield of the mindby Joyce Meyer, which helped me to finally gain custody of my mind. The second book was Me and My Big Mouth! by Joyce Meyer, which helped me to once and for all tame my very rebellious tongue and begin to speak words of life into my life. The next book was Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, which helped me to begin to set healthy boundaries on my relationships, many of which had been up to that point quite dysfunctional. And the last book was Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages, which dramatically improved how I interacted and communicated with those around me. I did not find these books all at the same time. Each one came into my life exactly when I most needed and was ready for them. 

Did you know your mind is a battlefield? When was the last time you replayed an incident or conversation over and over in your mind trying to figure out how it could have gone better? When was the last time you had an argument with someone where the argument took place entirely in your mind? When was the last time thoughts of depression overtook you and you just could not pull yourself out of the doldrums? Or your mind kept screaming at you about how you are not worthy? Not pretty? Too fat? Too skinny? Yep! I knew it. It probably happens to you every single day of your life to one degree or another. 

Start thinking about what you’re thinking! You must gain custody of your mind. If you don’t have custody, then who (or what) does? Is it someone who offended you? Someone who abused your? Someone who committed a crime against you? Someone who told you that you weren’t smart enough? Pretty enough? Strong enough? Rich enough? Why in the world are you allowing THEM to control YOUR mind? Especially if they aren’t even in your life anymore? You must take back custody of your mind and your thoughts if you ever hope to improve the quality of your life and your relationships. 

Once you gain custody of your mind you should also reflect on what you are allowing to come out of your mouth. Are you forever critical and fault finding? Do you gossip to help you feel better about your own life? Do you frequently use language that is offensive to others? Do you find yourself calling yourself stupid or ignorant or not good enough? Or, are you encouraging and uplifting? Do you use words of affirmation toward yourself and others? What your mind and heart dwell on pours forth out of your mouth. Reflect on what’s coming out of your mouth. If you find you don’t like it, then develop a strategy to conquer your tongue!

Boundaries are not a punishment, but rather a realigning of healthy interactions between you and others as well as on the activity you choose to do. It’s you identifying for yourself exactly what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior toward your.  It’s you identifying beforehand what you are willing and unwilling to do. It frees you from all the negative emotional struggles that can distract you from living a healthy and vibrant life. It helps you gain custody of your life and your responses (not reactions) to how others interact with you. Boundaries are not chains to bind, but rather armor to protect you from the arrows life can sometimes throw at you, as well as to strengthen you to achieve all that you desire to achieve. Boundaries free you to enjoy healthy relationships with those you choose to have in your life. 

According to extensive research that Gary Chapman conducted, there are five primary “languages” that people respond to including words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Do you have any idea what speaks most to you? Red roses is a very traditional gift and expression of love. Who wouldn’t want to receive them? Well … ME! What I found spoke most to me were acts of service (the little things people do to  show they care like taking out the trash without being asked), physical touch (a hug, ְa pat on the back, an arm draped around my shoulder, sitting close to me without crowding me), and quality time (that time spent with someone where they are the focus of your attention and not your phone). 

“But wait, Rebecca! You said you were going to talk about finding the one who completes me! How does all this help me do that?”

Great question! The short and very simple answer is that if you are looking to find completion and fulfillment through someone else, you will be waiting a very long time. While having a companion to walk our life’s path can be sweet, they are not necessary to live fulfilled and impactful lives. The relationship you have with yourself on the other hand can either make for a life of misery and pain, or for a vibrant and fully satisfying life. So, are you ready to meet, get to know, and make a lifelong friend with yourself? 

(This post inspired by and quoted from the highly acclaimed books Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend; Joyce Meyer’s books Me and My Big Mouth! and Battlefield of the mind; and Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages.)